"Tainted innocence"

I was sat with my mother , in one of those usual members clubs in London , that proved to be exciting that night ...

That night I happened to be dressed as she wanted me to be , and not as my usual self would have .

I always wanted to dress in order to catch everyone's attention and still today I am , many will affirm that this is synonym of a low self esteem and probably they would have been right.

Not long ago more like a few months ago from now and still sometimes nowadays , I love to wear see through dresses , veils , and all sorts of accessories that will reveal the shapes and curves of my body ,and why would I do this ? The reason is simple and would probably leave me ashamed , male validation .

You will probably think that I desire male attention to enable my body to feel any kind of desire , but thats absolutely not true , actually if it was the case my life would have been simpler... . I only want to feel the male gaze on me to feel empowered , feel more desired and admired , but I almost never indulge myself as I meet very few men capable of satisfying myself intellectually the key to satisfy me on many other aspects .

They say that sexuality for most women is a power they can excercise on men , you see although I strongly believe in women having equal rights to those enjoyed by men , I never understood some women's discourse that actually complain about being objectified while continuing to objectifying and sexualising themselves , maybe they simply do not want to undergo the downsides of this double edged weapon , because millions of other women are dotted of the same exact one, it can often seem not as powerful even if used correctly ...

The reality is there are thousands of young and very beautiful women , with harmonious and gracious bodies , having one more does not really make a difference , I realised this quite early in life .

I believe in my own integrity, even if I my choices appeared contradictory some time, I do not want to feel a powerful person capable of assuming my choice on how I want to assert my own sexuality without changing it in base of society expectations of me , based on criteria dictated by fragile and changing principles.

The reality is in my teenage years I always felt unique by denuding myself , is like a part of me wanted to shock others , to feel different and admired to break the rules of the very conventional and symbol of a narrow-minded and very bored haute bourgeoisie , city I grew up into, and it partly worked , there people did not dare to break the rules of the tiny ecosystem they were part of , by fear of being rejected or renegaded of their "social and relevance status " they so dearly hold up on .

I was perceived as an outcast , as someone to not take example on and this perception of me was mainly based on the way I was dressed and not on my habits , behaviours or actions . This really under-covers the shallow mentality of the very international town since it happens to be the base of very important organizations yet very provincial on its habitants mindset.

But even if I suffered severe bullying that consisted in exacerbated insults I deep down enjoyed it , the truth is that I did not want to be who mostly of the girls in my school were, boring and conventional papa's girls , all with the same Cartier clou at their wrist and their usual Goyard bags , I wanted to be different , in sum I did not want to be who I could so easily have become .

But soon , moving from the town i completed my highshcool in I realised that wearing provocative clothes did not make me so special anymore , plenty of girls were engaging in the same behaviour , what felt so unique in my hometown did not feel like it anymore . I continuing it doing it , while going out , because on top of the fact I enjoyed sexualising myself to differentiate myself from the banal stereotype I once hated I genuinely felt more undaunted , confident and desirable first of all to my own self .

But unfortunately the more you grow up and the less you perceive life with pink colored glasses, I soon realised that not only thousand of girls could be perceived the exact same while sexualising themselves but also that most people especially most men , but obviously not all would perceive you merely as an object to be used among plenty of others , a tool to fulfil their fragile ego and a even as a way to access a certain "status" by possessing you or being associated to you.

Most of them did not perceive me as a brave , and innovative , anti conformist girl ready to conquer the world as I often saw myself dressed in revealing clothes but as someone that needed their attention that I partly was .

But for me exhibiting my own body , flaunting my own sexuality was not exclusively for male validation but also for my own , I never fully accepted myself and perceiving me a certain way definitely helps me to do so.

But since this sour realisation , I started to sexualise myself less , I wanted to be perceived for my own talent , personality , ideas , mindset and actions not simply on a sexual allure that several women could achieve .

But what can I not be perceived for both ? Well because society tends to discreditate women's accomplishments ,ideas or integrity if they happen to embrace their own feminity and therefore sexuality a bit too much, it feels like misogyny is so deeply a part of this society that it can easily be concealed by reformist rights or declarations but not fully eradicated by it. In fact women will engage in mysoginistic dynamics while interacting with other women while not even realising it strictly because of this.

In fact is not a pure coincidence I am now , more apprehensive of showcasing my own body to strangers especially men , I hate to be objectified and be seen as many of several other objects , that soon or later fade in aspect I want to be timeless and for that seen for my ideas , vision and hopefully a legacy meaningful to me .

Is not that I showcase less my own body than before to adhere to sanctimonious principles and embrace a bourgeoisie stereotype I grew up into but simply because I strongly believe most men (not all) do not deserve to see women's bodies as they do not know how to positively and respectfully react to the sight of it.

In fact I dress way more "provocatively" with my gay friends or girlfriends despite that they won't have a sexual interest towards me because of this precise fact , to feel more empowered first of all with myself .

To return to my first sentence I was sat at this members club dressed as a conventional classy girl , preparing for my usual type of evening in London when he entered the room, and stopped immediately when he saw me across of it , at first I thought he was handsome and tall , but nothing more .

He sat at our table, offered champaign that I refused "I do not drink " I exclaimed to which he replied "that's perfect none of my girlfriends were drinking as I have problems with alcohol" , At first I did not really thought much deep about it , but in a second time I noticed as this made him actually special , I am not implying that having problems with alcohol actually makes you special but his honesty and bravery of exposing his problems to me a woman he showed interest in , made me understand who he really was .

As he was saying it , I instantly knew he was being honest and was genuinely sincere about who he was , he did not do that to shock me or to play a character he was not , especially in his age range this is uncommon .

oh I forgot to say a little detail he is much older than me , 14 years .. But what a girl like me would have to do with someone like him ? In fact I am not a big drinker or user of drugs although I have other issues , our own struggles manifested themselves as very different yet they were very similar ...