"A crystal girl in a crystal world "

During my short life i've always felt a certain sense of oppression , you know when you enter that crowded room, and there are those usual girls who look down on you , usually dressed the same . The usual girls that try to act and be cool , trying to add a "rock and roll " touch to their outfits, like a "Zadig and Voltaire" sweater bought for 600 euros in a "chic" and conventional neighbourhood that has nothing of transgressive. (and yes I have bought items from Zadig and Voltaire and grew up in those type of neighborhood ) . In fact you can see that those girls have nothing relaxed about them , they are the usual conventional boring daddy's girls, who sometimes , whenever it will appeal to certain social happenings , would want to appear "artistic " or "transgressive " even , but in reality are identical to all others .

I have wondered , am I was ever like them? Well maybe in elementary school or at most in middle school , but surely not now. I would rather die , than be like them I am serious .

In fact this is why I would surround myself with non conventional friends , that have mostly artistic backgrounds and aspirations. Some will say "why do you choose only weird friends?" But for me they aren't weird , they would just reflect uniqueness , that in my opinion anyone should try to achieve . There is something reassuring about arty people , I feel like their ideas, observations and intellectual drive is connected with something spiritual , an higher self, even if some of them obviously do not realise it , in addition to the fact they tend to be less judgemental . Their work, creations is always the results of some reflexions related to abstract concepts inevitably related to an higher self.

In fact even if I was born into a quite conventional household, at least from my father's side , while my mom is involved into the art world , I always rejected conventionality. Maybe also due to my chaotic and wayfaring upbringing , weirdness has always reassured me more than normality .

Well, this is why I buy most of my clothes from chinese boutiques where the most expensive dress would cost arounf 50 bucks , even if my taste got more sophisticated as time passed by, I would rather buy something vintage than a brand new item that has been mainstreamed . The "cheap clothes" i would wear , would almost look tacky but in reality they reflect my personality . Although something funny , inexplicable to me , happens almost always, people around me would think what I wear during social functions , is always couture , from a very expensive designer or simply custom made . They will always compliment me with admiring eyes and ask me where did I find the clothes I would wear . Probably is how you carry yourself while wearing the dress , that makes a difference but also who you associate yourself with , which social circles you belong to and where do you live or go on holidays. And see this is the side that I do not like, sometimes i fear I did not deserve my place in society, and that people admire the social image you give of yourself , not the real you because most of your acquaintances will spend more time seeing you on social media than in real life.

Since ever I gave the impression of a girl permanently in the clouds , distracted , on another planet , people would always ask me "are you high ? ", in reality I never do drugs , I would say "is just my personality", but it is really ? or is just a sort of attitude adopted to avoid perceiving the negative and scary sides of my existence , a way of avoiding the realisation of harsh truths ...

Personally I think is a mix of both , I always been slightly above the rules , a little crazy if you want to know it all ...

But at least I feel unique not like those girls who want to seem transgressive and therefore open minded with a sweater bought two streets away from their home , who know all the snobs in the neighbourhood with a ball up their butt .

Well this may seem like a superficial discussion that focuses on stupid sweaters, I don't understand how these girls, nor how others adopting the same attitudes in different contexts, always want  to conform to the masses and this happens with every type of person in every social sphere, and as if it were something reassuring for them to conform, for me instead it is the scariest thing in this world, not because of fashion choices or "shallow things" like that, but because life is so fleeting that I think everyone should invest a large part of their time in understand its own identity, which atomically would result in a certain singularity. In fact, grasping your own identity makes you understand what you want to do in life, what your real aspirations are, and what would truly bring you happiness, which varies from person to person.

Unfortunately my identity has always been denied first of all by my father , he grew up in a very old fashioned conventional , and narrow minded way to the point that he will think that sharing personal traumas or even basic emotions to move forward is taboo or that undertaking any type of career that is not stricly conventional is pure foolishness . Consequently I always been told what I am supposed to do, what am I supposed to say, and even what I am supposed to think and act accordingly . He always believed life should be lived in a certain way , especially if you are privileged individual you should behave in a predefined way , according to the values of your social class , a very classist way of thinking if you ask me. Notheless when I see him now, I sadly contemplate a sad soon to be 60 years old , frustrated and deeply dissatidfied with his own life . Although having achieved a nice career , and having found a "stable" life partner , he always seems profoundly irritated with his own existence . He is someone who lived life as he was taught was supposeed to be without any critical spirit about it, living him existentially discontented , proving my point . But I won't be hypocritical all the way, of course I enjoy living in a privileged way , having opportunities in different fields , and being exposed to a certain kind of living , although I won't be snobby about it or feel superior just because I was lucky enough to be born into privileges. Even less I would take into account the social class I am issued from as as an emblem of principles and dictated behaviours I absolutely need to adhere to .

I simply want to be me , and use my talents to make my life and the others' ones happier and easier . This long lasting denial of identity , that pratically lasted all my life clearly affected my willpower into realising things , only recently I am starting to realise confusingly what I want to achieve and why , which activities drive me .However I won't endorse my relatives with all the blame , I always wondered why certain people even if subjected to much bigger obstacles will still succeed better than me or others . I guess nature allocates abilities unfairly and we just need to accept that .

This said , my denial of identity is one of the reasons for why I feel oppressed in those "chic places" i grew up into , as if people that judge you, want to push you to be like them , to join their conformity . A group of privileged and bored people who always talk about the same things , of the activities they do in common without any variety , or they would ask you what your parents are doing for a living as one of the first questions when they will meet you , as if they were afraid of subjecting themselves to people different from them, a profound snobbery that is associated with the typical fear of being different , yet engage in a conversations different from their conventional acceptable discourse according to distorted and narrow minded criteria . What schocks me is that I know people in their thirties or even forties who have remained like this as if they had never abandoned their mentality , as a child who wants to remain the biggest fish in the courtyards solely for others's approval . This will lead them ending up at looking themselves in a mirror at the end of their life and not enjoying what they perceive . And this is not haphazardly my biggest fear .

In point of fact I am not totally different from these people , sometimes I can be a terrible snob, even without wanting to, even if I try not to show it. As if I feel better because I frequent certain places and certain people. I think that this  is a narrow and infantile mentality, because in the end what will ever be of social categories and the assumptions linked to them when will we die sooner than we think? Well nothing.

I think I inherited this mentality not only from the social environment where I grew up but also from the continuous bullying I experienced throughout my childhood and adolescence, in fact I always knew I was different, and this people see it. Although I haven't suffered too much from it , don't get me wrong I have suffered but not as much as someone else who has suffered the same abuse would . Why ? It is as if I always knew that my diversity was something , that others couldn't always understand and that's why they went against it, bullying in a certain sense made me feel unique and memorable, in fact I was the most common subject of conversation in all the schools I attended, this made me feel powerful. Sometimes to be honest I almost miss the bullying...lol.