I've always been afraid

I always been afraid , you will tell me everyone is afraid , but my fear was different from the usual fears of those of my age , it was more of an apprehension that you will challenge you when you will approach 50 or 40 .

In reality it is that they had endowed me with a greater analytical spirit which gives me the vocation to analyse every little situation and think about it consequences . In fact my greatest fear is the passing of time , I realized how very quicly how fleeting our life is and what it means to have one and only chance to live , I least that i know of . This honestly drives me crazy , I've always been afraid of making the wrong choices and having regrets , in fact the only thing that cannot be recovered is the time to make the right choices again .

But how can I know what is right for me apart from the fact that I am young and inexperienced , but also in the midst of a society in ruins in terms of values and customs .

I live in London and I am enrolled in one of the most pretigeous universities in the country , I frequent all exclusive places and travel to luxurious destinations yet I am dissatisfied with my life , as if I had a significant displeasement within me , perhaps more directed to myself than to others .

But how could I be satisfied ? In reality those places are mostly crowded with false people full of themselves , who believe they are invinvible because they belong to a certain social sect, not understanding that they are banal prototypes of each others , who just need to look to the other side of the room to notice someone like them . In fact why they would feel so unique ? because they dispose from a certain lifestyle that even " Dubai influencers " can dispose of , strattegically associating themselves to people that will offer it to them. I am not saying I cannot be full of myself and narcissistic on the edges from time to time , in fact I think that social media culture made us all very narcistic, nowadays people spend more time looking and retouching their pictures than actually starting a personal project or reading a book that will learn them something new , its probably a political project led to stupefy people making them more controllable , it is not by hazard that the founders of the silicone valley prohibited their own sons to use social media .

Is true that some use it only for business reasons, and do not let them be affected by the engulfing whirlpool of self worship , but if you have also an inch of insecurity within you , it is very easy to fall into it .

In fact it always amazed me how those people do not understand that considering they are still young , having not yet achieved anything significant with their lives, they were just lucky to be born into a certain privilege , and that a relapse can happen to everyone and when you expect it the least .

And what will be of the kids who have fun between St tropez and Mykonos basing their personality solely on a certain lifestyle granted to them by trivial luck ? What will happen to their identity based solely on banal and boring prototype , you know the typical papa's son who upload social media highlights on the most banal places in the world conforming to this prototype to show that they "fit in" , I am surrounded by those . You want to know the most ironic part ? I used to and sometimes still have their same behaviour, but who do not want to fit in when you are young and insecure , let alone that you are still forging your own identity , you want to feel praised and admired , because even if deep down you know those are basic things and actvities to achieve , you still want to give to certain people this image of you because you know that those will appreciate you for this . This cycle is like a pandemic of hypocrisy that allies itself with a certain insecurity and malaise , creating an explosive coktail of arrogance which is perceived through posts and trends which are characterised by a strong ego and low self esteem.

The most funny and sad part at the same time about this , is that I dated someone exactly like this for a couple of months , all the criteria just listed except thei mania for posting . Do you know about those ugly guys , who without their father behind them no one will turn to actually greet them ? you will tell me you know many , yes in fact there are many in this environment .

The first time I saw him , his arrogance shocked me , he told me "look this is my plane flying up there " I immediately understood he was telling me this , because he thought that it was his greatest asset , in point of fact he put it forward as it was part of its own identity ,created by someone else . He was one of those slimy types , those who put their hands on you , the first time you see them , that feel entitled basing their entitlement on their money earned by someone else . However is like a certain satisfaction of them , in thinking they can buy you just by talking about their material assets, convinced that there will be no better way to own you .

In fact i did not like this guy , I rejected him many times until the day I returned to london and felt alone and weak . When you ask around everybody wants to come to london , it is like a small New York to people , that see in this city endless opportunities , an exiting social life and a cosmopolitan asthmosphere , all the listing above might be true to an extent , but is also the most lonely city I lived in , is like a huge centrifuge , people forget about you the moment they meet you , by consequence is really hard to build significant frienships with people .

That day he understood my confidence and state of mind were not over the moon , and jumped at the occasion , I had my first kiss with him , at first I felt disgusted by kissing him , not because of his appearance but because of his way of acting , although the further the evening processed the more I liked it . In fact i have this very dangerous talent of inventing completely distorted versions of people in my head , to make me like them.

To be honest with you , i would love to live a passionate and tumulteous story , but why? I think about it now , i would not want a boyfriend , in fact the reality is much less intriguing than it seems . I suffer from depression and from an obsessive compulsive disorder that devours me , especially when I think of existential matters , like the fact that we live only once and have one and only chance to succeed in life This haunts me unbelievably , to the point where I cannot sleep at night , and needs constant distractions to not think about it . In fact I always used men as my distraction to those existential questions .But why men and no something else as a book or personal project ? I guess because it does not require much thinking and effort , (actually sometimes it does ) , but it won't likely put me in front of my own apprehensions and doubts , as a project will force me to do , even a small one like writing this article. But I guess i still need to face them to succeed in life soon or later .

When i say succeeding in life , i do not mean it in the linguistic sense of the french who use this expression to indicate a certain person 's earnings , but do you know how big the universe is ? and who will actually care about our insignificant and tiny monetary system millions of years after our death ? No one.

For me to "succeed" is to feel good about yourself and have as fewest regrets as possible , you will argue that money gives you freedom , opportunities to practice activities and set up projects that will give you the key to happiness but won't deliver it to you . But what exactly is hapiness ? a moment of satisfaction , serenity ? for me is a prolonged state of mind of mental peace and satisfaction towards ourselves , obtained thanks to the synthony between our core values and morals and this do not require dozens of millions .

This is why I always looked down on certain french people that use the expression "reussir sa vie" meaning "succeeding in life" only and solely asserted in term of a defined fording .

In fact will I ever succeed to acess real success how i mean it ?